People who have been masking their problems for a long time have become experts at creating an illusion of health. On the outside, this tactic appears to push others away while presenting a facade of seeking help. However, it is a controlled risk of testing the waters of trust (Williams 2017).
This is sign number 3 that someone is sinking, and here's how it works (Williams 2017):
- Choosing the "yes-man" partner: They'll pick someone they perceive as weaker or less informed about their situation.
- This friend might be a coworker who doesn't know the full extent of their struggles or someone they outrank who won't challenge them.
- Lies and half-truths: They might lie to this accountability partner because they know they can get away with it. They might lie to themselves, believing this person won't see through their facade.
- Keeping their distance: They want to maintain some control and avoid actual vulnerability. They'll stay close enough to keep up the appearance of trying but not close enough for an actual intervention.
Why is Selective Accountability Dangerous?
It's a self-defeating attempt at getting help. Proper accountability requires honesty and challenge. Selective accountability provides neither. It allows the person to keep sinking while pretending to tread water.
What Can You Do?
- Be honest about your limits: If someone asks you to be their accountability partner but you do not have the relationship or experience to challenge them, be honest. Help them find someone who can provide the support they need.
- Don't be afraid to ask questions: If a friend asks for your help, don't hesitate to ask questions or offer honest observations.
- Hold them to their request: If they ask for accountability, hold them to it. Don't let them deflect or brush off your concerns.
- Once they have opened the door for you to help, you don't need to keep asking for their permission. Walk through the door firmly yet respectfully. (Williams 2017)
- Remember, true friends challenge each other. By being a solid and honest voice, you can help them break from the cycle of selective accountability and find the real help they need.
References
Williams, B. (2017, September 19). Warning! Sinking Ship: Helping Those Around Us [Review of Warning! Sinking Ship: Helping Those Around Us].Https://Learningcloud.infobase.com/5752/Learnit.https://learningcloud.infobase.com/5752/learnit
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