The Tightrope Walk of Friendship: Offering Help Without Micromanaging

 Have you ever watched a friend make a decision that sent shivers down your spine? You knew trouble was brewing, but something kept you from speaking up. In a now-famous maritime incident, Captain Jesse Cooper faced a similar dilemma. He knew his friend, Captain McSorley, was piloting his ship dangerously close to an area of shallow water but hesitated to warn him (Williams 2017). This is sign number five, which means that others don't want to tell them what to do and indicates that someone is sinking (Williams 2017).

This story perfectly illustrates why offering help can be tricky. We all understand the sentiment, "You don't get on the radio and tell a skipper how to run his boat (Williams 2017). No one enjoys being micromanaged. Here's the thing: true friendship goes beyond warm fuzzies and "good vibes only." It involves a willingness to walk a tightrope - offering support without stepping into control-freak territory. So, how do we navigate this tightrope?

The Art of Courageous Friendship

Being a friend means having the courage to speak up, even if it's uncomfortable. A friend highlights a potentially destructive path, not to berate but to offer guidance.

Tailoring Your Approach

Some people respond differently to encouragement. Some might appreciate blunt honesty, while others need a gentler approach. Consider your friend's personality and what motivates them.

Persistence is Key

They might not listen initially, but true friends don't give up easily. Be persistent, offering support and gentle nudges in the right direction.

The Power of Reciprocity

Remember, someday, you might need a friend's courageous intervention. By taking a stand now, you're strengthening the bonds of friendship and creating a support system where open communication thrives.

The Takeaway

Encouragement is more than just a one-size-fits-all approach. It requires a delicate balance between offering support and respecting autonomy. But by understanding our fears and learning to communicate effectively, we can all become friends who provide a lifeline when needed most.

References

Williams, B. (2017, September 19). Warning! Sinking Ship: Helping Those Around Us [Review of Warning! Sinking Ship: Helping Those Around Us].Https://Learningcloud.infobase.com/5752/Learnit.https://learningcloud.infobase.com/5752/learnit

Beyond the Surface: Why People Don't Ask for Help

 The story of Edmund Fitzgerald, a seemingly invincible ship that sank in Lake Superior, holds a tragic lesson about human behavior. Despite the perilous situation, Captain McSorley downplayed the damage in his radio message (Williams 2017). This begs the question: why do people hesitate to admit they're struggling? There are several reasons, and just like the iceberg that doomed the Fitzgerald, there's often more going on beneath the surface than we realize. This is warning sign number 6 that someone is sinking, which is only admitting to visible damage (Williams 2017).

The Mask We Wear

People often acknowledge the most visible problems. However, pride might prevent them from openly admitting their struggles. They fear appearing helpless or vulnerable and dread rejection if they seek help.

Seeing Beyond the Sinking Ship

We shouldn't judge someone's situation based solely on their outward appearance. Like Fitzgerald, hidden problems may lead to their struggles (Williams 2017).

How to Be a Lifesaver, Not a Bystander

Instead of judging, offer empathy and support. Practical gestures like mowing their lawn, bringing groceries, or simply listening can make a big difference.

10 Ways to Be a True Friend - Actions Speak Louder Than Words

1. Unprompted help: Mow their lawn, shovel snow, or help with landscaping.
2. Groceries delivered: Show up with groceries to ease their burden.
3. A home-cooked meal: Make dinner or take them out for lunch.
4. The power of a note: Send a handwritten note or card with words of encouragement.
5. Uplifting music: Suggest a song with a positive message to brighten their day.
6. Laughter is the best medicine: Take them out for ice cream and some lighthearted fun. Let them guide the conversation and enjoy their company.
7. Offering a break: If they have children, offer to babysit so they can have a night off.
8. Decluttering together: Help them clean out a room- a fresh space can bring a mental refresh.
9. The gift of listening: Lend them a listening ear without judgment.
10. The power of eye contact: Make eye contact when you talk to show you're genuinely present.

Friendship in Action

True friendship goes beyond words. By taking action and offering support, we can become lifesavers for those struggling to stay afloat. Remember, you never know when you might need the same help. Let's build a world where reaching out for help isn't seen as a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and a chance to find a steady hand to hold onto during rough waters.

References

Williams, B. (2017, September 19). Warning! Sinking Ship: Helping Those Around Us [Review of Warning! Sinking Ship: Helping Those Around Us].Https://Learningcloud.infobase.com/5752/Learnit.https://learningcloud.infobase.com/5752/learnit

Acknowledging Warning Sign Number 7

 Sign number 7 shows that someone is sinking because their navigation has been blinded (Williams 2017). This leads to social withdrawal. It's a big red flag when a friend, colleague, or loved one starts withdrawing from school, work commitments, or any obligations. The longer we wait to check in, the more their burdens can build. Here's the thing: while we want to help, sometimes our good intentions can backfire. Let's take another moment to reflect on what not to do (Williams 2017):

1. Don't preach: This is a different time for sermons. They need empathy, not judgment.
2. Refrain from analyzing their situation: Resist the urge to explain why they feel this way. Listen without judgment.
   
3. Don't make it about you: Focus on them. Sharing similar experiences can come across as dismissive.
4. Don't Dwell on Problems: Acknowledge the struggle, but don't keep circling the drain.
5. Don't minimize their pain: Don't say things like it's not a big deal. Validate their feelings.
6. Don't break promises: If you offer help, follow through. Reliability is key.
7. Don't pressure compromise: Respect their values and decisions, even if you disagree.
8. Refrain from piling on: Complaining or arguing adds to their stress. Offer support, not negativity.
9. Please don't ignore the issue: Pretending everything is fine enables their isolation.
10. Don't avoid them: Not knowing what to say is okay! Start a conversation anyway.
    

Now that we know what to avoid, how do we help? Here are some tips (Williams 2017):

• Be a Safe Space: Let them know you're there to listen without judgment.
• Offer Practical Help: Can you help with errands, childcare, or a shoulder to cry on?
• Please focus on the Positive: Remind them of their strengths and what you admire about them.
• Encourage Professional Help: If needed, gently suggest seeking therapy or a support group.
• Be Patient & Consistent: Healing takes time. Be there for them, even on bad days.

Remember, sometimes, the best support is simply being present. By offering a listening ear and a non-judgmental space, you can be a lifeline for someone in need.

References

Williams, B. (2017, September 19). Warning! Sinking Ship: Helping Those Around Us [Review of Warning! Sinking Ship: Helping Those Around Us].Https://Learningcloud.infobase.com/5752/Learnithttps://learningcloud.infobase.com/5752/learnit

The Final Act: Denial and the Power of Intervention

 The story of Edmund Fitzgerald holds a tragic lesson about the final stages of despair. Captain McSorley's calm response just before the ship vanished exemplifies the phenomenon of denial in critical moments. (Williams 2017)

Warning Sign Number 8: The Quite Surrender

Many struggling individuals, when on the brink, retreat into denial. It's as if they've resigned themselves to their fate, believing no help is coming. They might stop expressing their distress altogether.

Why It Happens

Williams (2017) gives us some insights:

• Exhaustion: Constant struggle can deplete the energy needed to cry for help.
• Hopelessness: Repeated cries for help falling on deaf ears can breed despair.
• Acceptance: A distorted sense of acceptance might lead them to believe their situation is unfixable.

Don't Wait for the Final Words.

The person will likely need professional intervention by the time denial sets in. Here's what you can do (Williams 2017):

1. Don't stay silent: Even if you feel unsure of what to say, reach out to a counselor, minister, or doctor. Get them the help they need.
2. Take Action: Every attempt counts. Don't wait for a full-blown crisis.

Remember, you can be the lifesaver. Just like a well-timed intervention can save a sinking ship, your actions can make a difference (Williams 2017).

Look Around You

Is someone in your circle displaying these warning signs? Here's how you can make a difference (Williams 2017):

• 
  Offer a listening ear: Sometimes, all it takes is someone who will listen without judgment.
• Extend a helping hand: Offer practical assistance, however small. Let them know you care.

Your Actions Matter

A simple act of kindness, a word of encouragement, or connecting them with professional help can be the lifeline they desperately need. Don't wait for a tragedy to unfold. Choose to be the hero in their story today.

References

Williams, B. (2017, September 19). Warning! Sinking Ship: Helping Those Around Us [Review of Warning! Sinking Ship: Helping Those Around Us].Https://Learningcloud.infobase.com/5752/Learnithttps://learningcloud.infobase.com/5752/learnit

Justin's Story: A Fight for Acceptance

 Justin was a 15-year-old freshman, and this is his story (Justin (pseudonym) & Stacey (Justin's mother), 2009):

1. Justin lived in a small, conservative town in the Midwest. His life might have seemed ordinary on the surface—he was involved in school activities and planning for college. But behind the facade, there was a storm brewing.
2. Justin's bullying started in third grade, the moment he stepped into a new school. Being the "new kid" made him a target. But it wasn't just that. Justin wasn't a farmer's son, religious, or part of the cool crowd. The name-calling and shoving chipped away at his spirit.

As Justin grew older, another truth began to dawn on him. His feelings for his friends weren't quite the same as everyone else's. It was a confusing time, a secret he held close until the summer before freshman year. Finally, Justin came out to his mom, girlfriend, and closest friends. What followed was a wildfire of negativity. The small town couldn't accept it. The friends he thought he had turned their backs on him, using taunts laced with homophobic slurs. A simple conversation he was having about wanting to feel more confident became a brutal assault. They dragged Justin to the top of a slide, shoved him down, and then forced dirt into his mouth. These daily attacks on Justin were relentless. He craved acceptance, to be treated like everyone else. But all he got were cold shoulders, glares, and whispered judgments. The loneliness festered, morphing into a suffocating darkness. One day, on the edge of a bathtub, razor in hand, the weight of it all became unbearable. The cuts on his arms and legs screamed at him, a silent testament to his despair. Thankfully, Justin didn't take that final step. But it was a wake-up call, a brutal reminder of how low he had allowed himself to sink.

This is Why Justin Shared His Story

Justin wanted to raise awareness about the struggles of LGBTQ+ youth and the devastating impact of bullying.  Justin wants teachers, administrators, and everyone to be more attuned to the signs of a hurting student.

There is Hope. There is Help

If you're struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out. Here are some resources:

1. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
2. The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 (for LGBTQ+ youth)
3. You can also text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor.

My next blog posts will delve more into his darkness, Justin's mom, and her journey of supporting him through this difficult time.

#YouAreNotAlone 

References

Justin (pseudonym), & Stacey (Justin's mother). (2009, December 31). A 15-Year-Old Boy’s Personal Story of Being Bullied & Attempting Suicide [Review of A 15-Year-Old Boy’s Personal Story of Being Bullied & Attempting Suicide]. https://learningcloud.infobase.com/5730/learnit

The Quiet Boy in the Back: Justin's Journey with Depression

 The school was only sometimes a safe space for Justin. The bullying that started early on continued well into his ninth-grade year. It wasn't just the name-calling anymore; it was a constant undercurrent of negativity that seeped into his soul.

 In his story, Justin states that he craved solitude. It wasn't just about avoiding bullies but a desperate need to escape the crushing weight of depression. He distanced himself from everyone, even his mom, who he used to confide in. His days blurred together, filled with music, books, and a growing numbness. (Justin (pseudonym) & Stacey (Justin's mother), 2009)

But numbness isn't an escape. It's a desperate attempt to avoid feeling at all. A twisted desire arose in that emptiness - Justin craved to feel anything.

That's when the cutting began. It wasn't about ending his life; it was a warped way to feel alive again. Justin's physical pain became a twisted substitute for emotional connection. Justin states that the scars on his wrist mirrored the deeper wounds inflicted by bullies and his self-hatred. Thankfully, Justin's mom intervened. Therapy helped him to stop cutting, and for a while, he felt like he was healing. But Justin states that quitting therapy too soon was a huge mistake. Justin's suicidal thoughts returned, more vital than ever. The idea of escape, of not having to face the bullies or his pain, became his dark obsession. The pain that Justin craved transformed into a desire to end it all.

This is Where You, the Reader, Come In

Teachers, counselors, coaches – you have the power to make a difference. Look beyond grades or classroom behavior. See the students who withdraw and seem perpetually lost in thought.

Here are some signs of depression to watch out for:

• Withdrawal from friends and activities
• Loss of interest in hobbies
• Changes in sleep or appetite
• Difficulty concentrating

Expressions of hopelessness or worthlessness

If you see these signs, don't hesitate to reach out. Talk to th
e student and let them know you care.  Offer resources like the school counselor or a teen helpline. You might be the lifeline they desperately need. Because every student deserves to feel safe, supported, and like they have a reason to keep going.

#YouAreNotAlone 

References

Justin (pseudonym), & Stacey (Justin's mother). (2009, December 31). A 15-Year-Old Boy’s Personal Story of Being Bullied & Attempting Suicide [Review of A 15-Year-Old Boy’s Personal Story of Being Bullied & Attempting Suicide]. https://learningcloud.infobase.com/5730/learnit

A Mother's Plea: Recognizing the Signs Before It's Too Late

 Stacy is Justin's mom, and sharing her son's story was incredibly difficult, but it's a story that needs to be heard (Justin (pseudonym) & Stacey (Justin's mother), 2009):

• The scariest part? Stacy admits that she didn't know that Justin had attempted suicide until his school project. It's a harsh reminder of how a
  dept teenagers can hide their pain.

That's why Stacy offers a perspective for parents, educators, and anyone interacting with teens. By recognizing the warning signs, we can intervene before a crisis.

Like Justin's Story, Not Every Cry for Help Is Loud

Justin was sometimes the quiet kid in the back. He was outgoing, even cocky at times. But his behavior shifted. The music he loved changed to something darker. Basketball, his passion, became a chore. Stacy states that she initially attributed it to her separation, something he usually confided in her about. "The Red Flags that I missed" (Justin (pseudonym) & Stacey (Justin's mother), 2009):

1. Changes in interests and hobbies
2. Withdrawal from friends and activities
3. Shift in music preferences
   

These are classic signs, yet they went unnoticed. This is a harsh lesson for all of us: Look beyond the facade and pay attention to subtle changes.

Therapy - A Crucial Step, But Not the End

Therapy seemed promising. Justin opened up to his therapist, and medication offered a glimmer of hope. But then came the bombshell - thoughts of suicide.

When a Parent's Request Isn't Just About One Child

Stacy states that when she asked the school to monitor Justin closely, she was concerned about him, not just him. Stacy offers this insightful information:

•  Bullying can be a vicious cycle. A bully may be struggling just as much. (Justin (pseudonym) & Stacey (Justin's mother), 2009).

Here's what that request translates to for Educators:

1. Open communication: Talk to your students. Create a safe space for them to confide in you.
2. Increased vigilance: Notice changes in behavior, friend groups, and participation.
3. Active intervention: Address bullying immediately. Don't let harmful secrets fester.

The School Community: A Lifeline for Struggling Teens

Schools have a unique opportunity to bridge the gap between students and parents. Here's what a school's cultural curriculum could address:

1. The dangers of keeping secrets:  Encourage students to seek help, not silence their pain.
2. Respecting differences:  Promote acceptance and understanding of diverse identities.
3. Mental health awareness:  Educate students about depression, anxiety, and available resources.

Resources Matter

Schools need readily available resources to help students in crisis:

• School counselors
• Peer support groups
• Crisis hotlines
• Mental health professionals

A Story of Hope and Resilience

Justin's story doesn't end in tragedy. He received the help he needed, and the bullying stopped. Countless others aren't so fortunate. Let's learn from Justin's story. Let's open the dialogue, break the stigma, and ensure every teen feels safe to seek help. Together, we can create a world where no child suffers in silence.

References

Justin (pseudonym), & Stacey (Justin's mother). (2009, December 31). A 15-Year-Old Boy’s Personal Story of Being Bullied & Attempting Suicide [Review of A 15-Year-Old Boy’s Personal Story of Being Bullied & Attempting Suicide]. https://learningcloud.infobase.com/5730/learnit